Tag: Cancer

Cancer, Cancer everywhere……..the New Norm.

I never finished writing my last blog as planned. Previously when I wrote it was a cathartic process and a way of externalising and making sense of the chaos that cancer brings. My only guess is that I had done this and made some sense of it and learnt a lesson from it, so I no longer needed to let it from from my head to my hand and submerge the page with pools of thoughts.

This was some time back and since then I have healed, I have ploughed on and I have firmly ignored the constant prod in my side from cancer and all it represents. The continuous tugging on my clothes, wanting attention with its never ending ‘look at me’, look how big and clever I am.

I have touched the edges of that world at times when I was due for annual scans and consultations, and I read several articles detailing groundbreaking new treatments and took from this hope that those who are now diagnosed with the big C, will have less invasive and more targeted treatments. On some level we are winning and we are keeping it at bay. Saving those who would ordinary have been taken by the tentacles of disease. More and more we see those who are in remission and this is so encouraging.

I mentioned in my previous blog that cancer was now beginning to morph into the chronic diseases category and since then it is the new norm to be aware of several friends or family who have had the dreaded words said to them during a consultation. The air thick with expectancy and shock, not knowing what to think, wondering if you will be one of those whom you can snatch the cancer label from and ban it from sight, or if you will be one of the unlucky ones who lost the bet and will be taken into it’s grasp.

Since my divorce in 2012 I have struggled to ascertain what is normal in relationships and, like any woman in their mid 30’s with young children, constantly battled the crippling loneliness of single parenthood, with the possibility of meeting a significant other with whom to open up your heart, share your life with and to ease the burden of battling all life throws at you alone. I have made small mistakes, made some huge decisions, made even larger mistakes, and have on the odd occasion got things right. It has been a heart wrenching journey of learning about who the hell I am on my own, who I am with other and what I want to be as a mother.

I met Tony in May 2021. We had our first meeting on the bank holiday May Day. The date was ok, I instantly liked his face, kind, familiar and safe. I loved his voice, smooth, Yorkshire and very grounding, but, as I said, the date was only ok. I felt we were compatible in some ways but thought he talked too much about work! I had gone on the date reluctantly in the first place, fueled by panic which had been imparted by several friends and family, that I would end up an old, single maid! Something, just something changed right at the end of that date, and I found myself saying yes to seeing him again.

We went for a meal outside, when the covid restrictions dictated that we could eat out and socialise, but only in fresh air! After our meal we went for a drink on the extremely windy balcony of a pub near the sea. Wrapped up in coats we nursed a very cold drink and talked more. Tony then went into the bar area to the men’s and on his return he walked past the glass window with the false cherry blossom tree arching over the door and as he opened the door to our table, that was the moment……………the instant I fell in love with him.

Almost 3 years later, now, we are living together and made the ultimate commitment of getting a crazy, cross breed, Crete rescue dog called Apollo and life has been steady and happy. Yes, we have had disagreements and it has not all been plain sailing and I have, again made some grave mistakes, tackled things in the wrong way, almost lost my relationship with my son due to my bodged attempts at moving on, the pain of which has been overwhelming, briefly lost sight of my daughter’s needs and wishes, and and have regrets.

But we are a team and tackle life together.

Tony was given a preliminary diagnosis of cancer in his neck area in November 2023. The only operation he has had was when he was 9 and had his tonsils out. He was told that the lump he had found on his neck was most likely secondary cancer and that there was no clear indication of where the primary is. He was to have tests and then biopsies and this would result in a formal diagnosis and treatment plan, of which, to this day, has not yet happened.

I was on the other side, a spectator watching proceedings with no control or way to take away the confusion, frustration and shock that hits like a surge of huge proportions and makes life from then on, different. I could only push when things were not going fast enough, advocate, and be there.

Tony is awaiting the multi disciplinary team meeting, which we are hoping will be next week and cancer has forced its way back into life, with it’s arrogant, pushy and aggressive manner. I have learnt it’s ways before, I have pushed hard to take it away and get it out of my body and into the void which is history.

Cancer is sadly, more prevalent now, but I can’t help thinking that although, it is prevalent, there are tools now, sharpened, ready to attack with specialised treatment and earlier diagnosis, ready to blast it out of areas it had no right to enter, like a drunk trying to enter a bar, and being turfed out by a bouncer. Cancer is back, but its a different ball game now.

Here we go again!





The struggle your in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow. Don’t give up. Robert Few.

Yes, but who knew I would learn this lesson twice?!

Over Christmas 2018 I was admitted to hospital with suspected cauda equina for the second time. My back had locked up like a iron gate, withholding all manner of attempts to break it’s stronghold with selected methods of the medicinal kind such as muscle relaxants, opiates and the most underestimated of all pain relief, anti inflammatories.

My body was not complying to anything, and even feigned dumbness when routine reflex tests were carried out. It was holding a secret, and was determined to not only, seek the attention it needed, but also to alert it’s owner to not be content with being fobbed off or having the pain explained away.

Our bodies are amazing, they not only function like no other piece of machinery I know, with minimal effort on our part and very little detrimental outcome, but I firmly believe they are also a primary warning system which we should listen to, designed to alert us to anything untoward or out of the norm.

How would I know this is true I hear you say, ……because my body has warned me twice that all is not well. My body is phenomenal at alerting me to dodge bullets!

After several days in hospital I was aware that, after almost discharging me, a keen eyed radiographer, had spied an abnormality on my right kidney when looking at the last slide of my MRI scan. Still blissfully unaware that this was seen as a mass, I assumed it was kidney stones and suddenly all the pain, uncooperative movements and downright stubbornness of my back to ‘play the game’ made sense. My clever body had yet again, told me that something was not right.

On finding out through a passing comment, yes, a passing handover of explanation to the other doctors in the daily ward round!, that I was still in hospital as I was awaiting a CT scan for a mass on my right kidney, my mind went into turmoil. No one had mentioned a ‘mass’ before?!

Six years down the line, in remission from breast cancer, how could this have spread so slowly from the breast to my kidney? Were they related, what was the likelihood it was cancerous….and most of all…..how bloody awesome is my body at screaming out that something was not right?

I’m still no closer to answering most of the questions that have arisen since then. What I do know, however, is that it has not descended from my breast cancer, it has not spread to my upper torso and that it is 4cm.

The last two weeks have been bizarre. Starting with feeling estatic that I was not riddled with the dreaded C word, optimistic that things will be ok as I was logical, focused and fact orientated and knew the odds were good and could pull out the C card and really milk it this time, benefitting from free reiki to having excuses for not going to the gym! I was reacting excatly how I did when I was dealing with the breast cancer.

Then something changed……….fear crept in….irrational…sneaky….black…..spiky…….. tormenting and twisting facts. For the first time since I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012, I felt fear. Mostly aimed around my children, fear that this was just another attempt at life to not let me make old bones. Fear that I had brought this on myself because I haven’t lost the weight I should have after my “kick up the arse’ with the breast cancer. Fear that my children are destined to have a mother who will always have something wrong with her, or worse won’t be there to guide them through future years.

All my rational thinking, logical, clinical understanding of the facts go out of the window and I have daily bouts of frozen fear. Then I get my ‘big girl pants’ on, do my hair, get my makeup on, and get a grip.

I am currently in a battle between the ‘f*** you cancer ‘ attitude and rationalising the facts and being sensible. I don’t mind telling you it’s pretty exausting.

There is one (well 2 technically) thing that stops me from indulging in giving in to the fear completely…….Ollie and Ems. I simply cannot go down that path. I need to get on, starting with going to my appointment tomorrow to find out more facts, to then formulate my ‘plan’, to do mum things like fishing out school trousers in an emergency, sourcing football boots for a girl who plays football once a year, cobbling together something for tea, cuddling and supporting them when they feel wobbly and cleaning the kitchen floor of mushroom soup which was spilt when they were being ‘helpful’ and doing the washing up

So for now, the inner rollercoaster continues, but quietly, more discretly, and subversively until we know more. However, for now I have tea to make and a floor to mop!