The struggle your in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow. Don’t give up. Robert Few.
Yes, but who knew I would learn this lesson twice?!
Over Christmas 2018 I was admitted to hospital with suspected cauda equina for the second time. My back had locked up like a iron gate, withholding all manner of attempts to break it’s stronghold with selected methods of the medicinal kind such as muscle relaxants, opiates and the most underestimated of all pain relief, anti inflammatories.
My body was not complying to anything, and even feigned dumbness when routine reflex tests were carried out. It was holding a secret, and was determined to not only, seek the attention it needed, but also to alert it’s owner to not be content with being fobbed off or having the pain explained away.
Our bodies are amazing, they not only function like no other piece of machinery I know, with minimal effort on our part and very little detrimental outcome, but I firmly believe they are also a primary warning system which we should listen to, designed to alert us to anything untoward or out of the norm.
How would I know this is true I hear you say, ……because my body has warned me twice that all is not well. My body is phenomenal at alerting me to dodge bullets!
After several days in hospital I was aware that, after almost discharging me, a keen eyed radiographer, had spied an abnormality on my right kidney when looking at the last slide of my MRI scan. Still blissfully unaware that this was seen as a mass, I assumed it was kidney stones and suddenly all the pain, uncooperative movements and downright stubbornness of my back to ‘play the game’ made sense. My clever body had yet again, told me that something was not right.
On finding out through a passing comment, yes, a passing handover of explanation to the other doctors in the daily ward round!, that I was still in hospital as I was awaiting a CT scan for a mass on my right kidney, my mind went into turmoil. No one had mentioned a ‘mass’ before?!
Six years down the line, in remission from breast cancer, how could this have spread so slowly from the breast to my kidney? Were they related, what was the likelihood it was cancerous….and most of all…..how bloody awesome is my body at screaming out that something was not right?
I’m still no closer to answering most of the questions that have arisen since then. What I do know, however, is that it has not descended from my breast cancer, it has not spread to my upper torso and that it is 4cm.
The last two weeks have been bizarre. Starting with feeling estatic that I was not riddled with the dreaded C word, optimistic that things will be ok as I was logical, focused and fact orientated and knew the odds were good and could pull out the C card and really milk it this time, benefitting from free reiki to having excuses for not going to the gym! I was reacting excatly how I did when I was dealing with the breast cancer.
Then something changed……….fear crept in….irrational…sneaky….black…..spiky…….. tormenting and twisting facts. For the first time since I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012, I felt fear. Mostly aimed around my children, fear that this was just another attempt at life to not let me make old bones. Fear that I had brought this on myself because I haven’t lost the weight I should have after my “kick up the arse’ with the breast cancer. Fear that my children are destined to have a mother who will always have something wrong with her, or worse won’t be there to guide them through future years.
All my rational thinking, logical, clinical understanding of the facts go out of the window and I have daily bouts of frozen fear. Then I get my ‘big girl pants’ on, do my hair, get my makeup on, and get a grip.
I am currently in a battle between the ‘f*** you cancer ‘ attitude and rationalising the facts and being sensible. I don’t mind telling you it’s pretty exausting.
There is one (well 2 technically) thing that stops me from indulging in giving in to the fear completely…….Ollie and Ems. I simply cannot go down that path. I need to get on, starting with going to my appointment tomorrow to find out more facts, to then formulate my ‘plan’, to do mum things like fishing out school trousers in an emergency, sourcing football boots for a girl who plays football once a year, cobbling together something for tea, cuddling and supporting them when they feel wobbly and cleaning the kitchen floor of mushroom soup which was spilt when they were being ‘helpful’ and doing the washing up
So for now, the inner rollercoaster continues, but quietly, more discretly, and subversively until we know more. However, for now I have tea to make and a floor to mop!
Dodging bullets 
Well said Sarah, I really like it and it will be so therapeutic for you. A good place to vent all your thoughts and feelings.
Lots of love xx
Dad
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Thanks dad. I actually already feel so much better for getting it off my chest xx
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Got a big lump in my throat, and complete and utter admiration and love for the most gutsy girl I have ever known. We’re right behind you sweetheart, love wil. find a way, and get you through xx love mum xx
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Thanks mum. It takes a strong mother to make a gutsy girl ! XX love you x
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What amazing words you have to describe your journey and thoughts. You must take after your mum. Thank you for being brave to do this and share with us. Only those who have been or who are going through cancer really understand the journey. The rest of us have no clue so keep sharing and educating us clueless. X
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Thank you Sarah for such kind words. I was very nervous about doing this but so glad I did. It’s very therapeutic xx
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Wow just wow brillantly written and very heart felt brought a tear to my eye we will win this girly but make sure you milk the c card xxx
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Thank you Jonny, we are definitely a good team. Xxx
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Brilliant – I’m with you all the way on this! being vulnerable and getting it out your system shows such strength – you are so strong – tell fear to go jump – big hugs xxx
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Thank you Naomi, it’s good to know I have such good support. I will, today is a strong day to fight it. Xx
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Oh Sarah x well done you x it’s a scary time and definitely a time for big girl pants, lipstick and a feisty attitude! Huge love from me to you . .
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Thank you Jean. Yep big girl pants firmly in place! Xx
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So glad of that eagle eyed radiographer and unimpressed with the doctors… You have a great way with words honey and I’m sure your blog will help no end of people thinking they are alone on this journey along with yourself. Xx
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Thank you Kathy that’s lovely. I hope you are ok and able to get some rest. Xx
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Omg! What a talent you have for writing! Clever clever lady! I think your just lush ❤️
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You are my female rock! I couldn’t be so strong without my lovely support network. Thank you my friend xx
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Well done you for taking the blogging step and it is very nicely written. Just don’t forget that if you find yourself feeling guilty that you haven’t updated for a while remember it doesn’t matter, it is there for you, it’s not another thing to beat yourself with! Looking forward to reading more, you’ve got an amazing support team around you. xx
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Sarah, thank you. Such wise words. Yes, I’m taking my time and I’m doing it primarily for therapy so will go in my own time. Thank you lovely xx
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Wow, that’s left me a bit emotional! That was really well written Sarah. So proud of you, you can nail this xx
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Thank you my dear friend. Onwards and upwards! Xx
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Sarah, as Mum, lump in my throat too, but your determination and sheer bloody strength for all around you shines through. You will overcome and continue to blaze a trail for us all to follow. You have just reignited my faith in positive thought. Thank you lovely lady xxx
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Wow thank you Jady such lovely words. I’m glad you found it helpful. Thank you xxx
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Loved it!! 😁
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A beautiful expression of the battle you face. Life gives us many hurdles to climb over, some more difficult than others. You clearly recognized your value and effectiveness as a mother. We only have one shot at life, and what we choose to do with it is up to us. I love that you have chosen to continue being an inspirational person bringing value to your family and friends. Cancer is the title of a terrifying battle. Fear is one of the effects of the battle. You have something cancer will never have: True friends, love and the strength to fight.
Thank you for sharing your story. At a distance I am always with you. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
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Ah Kelly. Your words have made me smile, cry and feel grateful that I have such wonderful people in my life. A person is only strong of they have strong role models around them. Love you my friend xx
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Sarah your a truly remarkable lady with so much zest for life that you will fight through this black episode and get rid of this second dementor ! The overwhelming love to your children will give you the strength and courage. Your a beautiful clever lady and write so articulate too. Your a pro blogger. I know I’m not local to you, but always just a fb/WhatsApp or phone 📱call away xxx Stay strong.
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Thank you Eileen for your lovely words, they mean so much. I will xx
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